


In the Silence of the Night

by fourdrinksamys



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Adultery, Angst, Cheating, F/M, honestly just kinda sad, i said ill do with the cm writers do boom angstt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-08
Updated: 2020-07-08
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:48:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25144174
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourdrinksamys/pseuds/fourdrinksamys
Summary: In the silence of the night, Spencer Reid occupies the spot of another man in her bed every Friday.
Relationships: Jennifer "JJ" Jareau & Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/Spencer Reid, Jennifer "JJ" Jareau/William LaMontagne Jr.
Comments: 6
Kudos: 54





	In the Silence of the Night

**Author's Note:**

> ok i had zero edits on this and i wrote it in 30 mins im so sorry if its bad peace out - allie

Spencer isn’t sure when it started.

To be completely and unequivocally honest, Spencer Reid had zero idea exactly how they had gotten into this routine.

He had absolutely zero idea how he had ended up in Jennifer Jareau’s bed at 2am on Friday night while her husband worked the weekend shift in order to be there for his sons on the weekdays. Maybe it was exactly how he had ended up in this exact same position last week, when Will had once again been away to care for his family. Or like the week before that, or the week before that again. Would he believe himself if he had told the Spencer Reid from a year ago that he would be in bed with Jennifer Jareau a year later? Probably not.

The problem of Jennifer Jareau was one Spencer Reid had considered himself an expert in. One he had already solved. The woman in question was one that he had already learned to keep at an arm’s length once he was able to figure out what the twisting feeling in his stomach was fifteen years ago. One that he had figured out perfectly and to a tee, one in which he had learned to manage his micro-expressions and fit himself in so perfectly. He became her best friend, and he perfectly solved the almost impossible equation of his love for Jennifer Jareau. He became the godfather to her two sons and didn’t allow his thoughts to wander when he looked at her or them. He didn’t allow himself to imagine himself in Will’s place at their wedding. He didn’t allow himself to place himself in the place of Will within JJ’s family. He didn’t allow himself to wonder how it would feel for Henry to call him daddy instead of uncle. He perfected the equation and he let nothing move his resolve. Or so he thought, at least. Because the moment Jennifer Jareau, with her big blue eyes wide with fear, said the words “I’ve always loved you”, Spencer Reid’s equation slowly crumbled apart.

First, it fell apart when he allowed himself to let his thoughts wander again. When he allowed himself the what-ifs that he had banned so long ago. When he imagined the life he and Jennifer could have lived, within the shoes of Will.

Next, it fell apart when he began to let his thoughts wander more. Beyond the borders of the what-ifs of the past, he began to imagine the what-ifs of his future. He allowed himself to imagine a world where JJ came to his door and told him that she was ready. Ready to leave Will and the life she had committed herself to 12 years ago just for him. But that wasn’t fair and he knew it. He let the guilt consume him, knowing full well that Will had been a decent husband to JJ. He wouldn’t allow himself to take that away from her. But still, he let his mind wander. 

So maybe it was the mind wandering that took away Spencer Reid’s once sturdy resolve when Jennifer Jareau showed up at his front door at 2am and he let her in. When he had taken a step too close to her after handing her some tea. When he had just let his resolve go and fallen into her baby blue eyes and allowed himself to fall into her kiss. When he had begun to move his hands up her back and brought her to his bed, trying to commit every curve of her body and every single kiss as perfectly as he could to memory, trying to push all of the passion and love he had built up in fifteen years into fifteen minutes as he leaned his forehead against hers, finally stopping when his mind came back to him, when he remembered that she had two boys to go back home to. Two boys that weren’t his. And that she wasn’t his. She wasn’t his and never would be.

So he let her go home with a quiet goodbye and a solemn wave.

But then, two Fridays later, Spencer Reid appeared on the front doorsteps of Jennifer Jareau. And she lets him in. To be completely fair, he didn’t realize her husband wasn’t home. Or that her sons were already asleep. At least when he first walked in, he didn’t expect anything. That made him somewhat defendable didn’t it? Somewhat consolable? Somewhat decent? 

But all of those somewhat didn’t do anything to help Spencer Reid, because when his mind had finished solving the equation of the empty house, he had looked at his best friend for a second too long that signalled something else.

Which led to Spencer Reid being in Jennifer Jareau’s bed.

That night and all the Friday nights after it.

So that leads him to that fateful Friday night, where he is laying in the bed of a married woman, letting her trace circles into the body he is afraid to admit, he is sometimes ashamed of. But somehow, in the bed of Jennifer Jareau, he feels both smaller and larger than he ever feels. And he knows. He knows that he will do anything for her, will allow her to do anything to him as long as he is hers.

She tells him she is pregnant.

And he allows himself to be ecstatic. He rambles on about the future. He tells her of a white picket fence and an extra room in her home or his for a nursery. He tells her of a new future where they can go away, one where Henry and Michael don’t need their father. He can be their father, he tells her. He can do it. He would do anything for her. But she is shaking her head against his chest and he deflates, remembering that she is not his. He is hers, but she has never been his. Because when Spencer Reid isn’t occupying the spot next to Jennifer Jareau, another man is there 6/7 nights of the week. The statistics don’t add up and he knows it. He knows that this means there is a 1/7 chance that he is a father and a 6/7 chance that Will has just been gifted another child, maybe another son that Spencer Reid would hold the name of Godfather for, another son that Spencer Reid would sometimes imagine was his. And Spencer Reid realizes one more thing.

He has been used.

For the lack of a better phrase, he has been used by the woman laying next to him in bed and he isn’t even sure if he’s upset about it.

He has allowed her to use him to guilt herself into staying. To convince herself that she will never find better than what she had right now because her name now has the title of cheater associated with it. And he wants to tell her that he will be right there for her if she wants to leave. He will be so ready to occupy the empty spot next to Jennifer Jareau 7/7 days of the week. If she is unhappy, he will help her whisk it all away. If she wants, he will allow himself to continue to be used. Anything to stay next to her at least one Friday a week. 

But he can see the resolve grow within her and he knows that the choice has already been made. He can already see the future within her eyes. The white picket fence and the new nursery she will build with her husband, not him. And so, he lets her move out of her arms slowly, his hands losing the grip it had just moments ago. He knows he has to go. Her husband will come home in the next four hours and all he traces of him will be gone by then. She will go back to her perfect life with her perfect family. She will go back to the life they led before, the one where Spencer and JJ would hug for a moment too long or allow their eyes to linger a second longer than they should. But those moments are what they must return to, because Spencer knows that above all else, JJ’s family is the most important thing to her, they are the most important thing to him. And they are both aware that he is not a member. 

Spencer wants to do something. He wants so badly to take her in his arms and pretend that she is his. He wants so badly to ask the woman he loves to leave the family he loves just as much as she does. He wants so badly to go back to playing pretend with himself like he has the last couple of months, to go back to pretending that that spot in her bed was meant for him. To pretend that in four hours, her husband won’t come home, kiss the lips that had kissed Spencer just a few hours ago and lay in the bed that Spencer had laid just a few hours ago. Maybe this is the time he can finally make it up to his heart for all of the times he allowed it to get broken by the woman in front of him. To make up for that Redskins game and all the times he was too scared to tell her how he felt until it was too late and he was occupying the spot of another man.

But he is not strong enough. Or maybe he’s stronger than he believes. Because somehow, he musters the strength to leave once again quietly, only this time he knows it is final. He gains the strength to tear his eyes away from the baby blue of hers and in a silent agreement, they both agree to continue to live a lie for the rest of their lives.

No one will ever know that Spencer once shared Will’s spot in bed. No one will ever know about the what-ifs that Spencer and JJ whispered of in the dead of night. No one will ever know that Spencer Reid is completely and unequivocally in love with Jennifer Jareau and no one will ever know that she loves him back. They will continue to live a lie, the one where Spencer is the best friend that asks for nothing in return and where JJ is the adoring wife to her husband and her husband only.

They come to the silent agreement and the door shuts as Spencer leaves the house of the woman he is in love with, taking with him the lie he will tell the rest of his life.

And maybe it is the lie that keeps Spencer and JJ apart after that night, neither of them allowing the other to get too close, in fear of the lie crumbling around them, knowing neither of them have the strength to build it up again if it falls. And maybe it is this weakness (or strength) that makes Spencer Reid and Jennifer Jareau, when they know no one is watching, sit alone together in the office in the silence of the night, waiting for the words that will never come.


End file.
